Queen Erika Jayne of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills never fails to deliver– on the show, the stage, or life in general. Friday seemed like a regular morning. I woke up, fed my kid, and was about to run out the door. The I saw this:
We were late to school.
My first reaction? Shame. How did I miss this? Would a maid of honor “forget” to check the date on her wedding invite? Would a midwife scan passed her client’s due date? Would Lisa Rinna miss a duster-related deadline for her QVC fashion line?
These women, particularly those of Beverly Hills, Atlanta, and New York (although this past season of Dallas was a true delight, see Leeann’s monologue ) are the friends I never thought I’d have, will never actually want to have, and who will probably never have me.
I watch them when I am happy, I watch them when I am sad, I would have watched them while I was giving birth, except I was, disappointingly, all caught up (seriously, ask my husband). If I were to redo my wedding, each bridesmaid would dress as different housewife, and I would (obviously) wear Erika Jayne’s confessional dress/Lisa Vanderpump reunion dress from season 6.
After losing my father this year, I delved deeper into the Housewives franchises, particularly Beverly Hills, looking for stability and understanding in a world of chaos and grief. Did I find it there?
To be honest? A little. Mostly from Erika Jayne (How Many Fucks is basically my anthem). And a tiny bit from LVP.
More than anything, the Housewives shows are a dependable source of distraction, where we watch wealthy women (usually not actually housewives) hire people to make them look pretty, go pretty places, do pretty things, yet act ugly AF… and it will never change (please, Saint Andy Cohen, never let it change!).
Back to the shame… after a few moments of staring strangely at a wall, I remembered that 1) shame keeps us self centered (thanks therapy!), and 2) I had to get my kid to preschool.
So, just like Dorothy Day, I shifted my focus from shame to being of service to those with less than myself, namely the poor souls WHO SOMEHOW DID NOT WATCH RHOBH SEASON 7 !!!????
For those unable to prioritize catching up, I give you Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7 in emoji translation. Because, sometimes, there are no words.
RHOBH 7, Episode 1: Stronger Than Ever
…in which we returning to the land of wealthy women arguing about strange things at boring parties, meet Dorit and her awful husband PK, and attend Erika Jayne’s surprisingly boring birthday party.
RHOBH 7, Episode 2: Buddha Bentley Birthday
… in which we attend another boring birthday party at Dorit and Pk’s, discover Erika Jayne will act on The Young and the Restless and watch Dorit ridicule Erika Jayne’s designer t-shirt dress.
RHOBH 7, Episode 3: Going Commando
…in which we witness the beginning of Pantygate–possibly the dumbest plot line ever to grace the RH franchise–and learn PK, a creepy, shiny man who enjoys looking at vaginas while twirling his finger in a circular motions, started it.
RHOBH 7, Episode 4: Pantygate
…in which Pantygate boringly dominates Dorit’s conversations, Kyle works on her tv show about her childhood, and Lisa R sells so many awful dusters on TV that she is told Harry Hamlin will never have to work again???
RHOBH 7, Episode 5: Amnesia Appetizers
…in which PK and Dorit invite Lisa R to an awkward dinner party and ask her if she and Eileen were mad at Lisa VP because their parents died, Erika Jayne voices her irritation at Dorit, and Elliot Mintz is weird.
RHOBH 7, Episode 6: Compromising Positions
…in which Kyle hosts her annual game night (requiring a party planner and an assistant for some reason), Lisa R and Kim clash again, Dorit talks more about Erika not wearing underwear that time, and Eden begins asking about people’s sobriety.
RHOBH 7, Episode 7: It’s Expensive to be Me
…in which Eden and Lisa R go shopping and discuss Kim and Kyle’s relationship and Lisa R informs us that Kim is somehow close to death, we witness the making of Erika Jayne’s “It’s Expensive to Be Me” video shoot, and we see LVP having a rough time facing her son’s search for his biological parents.
RHOBH 7, Episode 8: Boys, Blades, and Bags of Pills
..in which Lisa R shows Eden and Dorit her infamous bag of pills, Dorit and PK have another boring party where Boy George hides behind a curtain before playing an acoustic version of “Karma Chameleon”, and Kyle accompanies Erika Jayne to Greece where her Glam Squad prays for hard cocks before the show and they have sunrise photoshoots while Kyle easts spaghetti.
.
RHOBH 7, Episode 9: Harry’s Meat and Gatsy’s Fete
…in which Lisa R hosts a BBQ where her dogs poops on the lawn and we learn Harry Hamlin beat Cindy Crawford in a pie making contest, Kyle and Mauricio skip their annual white party to have a dull Gatsby themed party, LVP threatens to kick Eden’s butt if she hurts Kyle, and people don’t recognize Erika Jayne because she is wearing a wig.
RHOBH 7, Episode 10: Hostile Hacienda
…in which the Housewives head to Mexico for Mauricio’s Agency opening, Eileen’s kid attempts a suitcase stowaway, and Eden talks shit about Kim and Kyle to Lisa at Villa Rosa. Again.
RHOBH 7, Episode 11: Backed Into a Corner
…in which we attend a party at the Agency, where Lisa R says SHE DOESN’T REMEMBER WHETHER SHE TOLD EDEN THAT KIM WAS ON THE BRINK OF DEATH???!!!
RHOBH 7, Episode 12: Feeding a Need
…in which Dorit pulls up in a rose gold Bentley to feed the homeless, the ladies throw fish around, we watch Kyle and Erika Jayne’s friendship develop and Lisa VP buys Max an expensive couch for his condo.
RHOBH 7, Episode 13: Cake Therapy
…in which we attend Carnie Wilson’s cheesecake party, Lisa R struggles with the possibility of apologizing to Kim before doing in front of everyone, Kim says Lisa R never deals repercussions of her actions while not apologizing about the Harry Hamlin comments, Kyle demands Lisa VP “pick a lane”, in the conflict, everyone talks WAY too much about Kim’s sobriety, and Carnie Wilson is a island of deliciously flavored sense in the midst of a river of bullshit.
RHOBH 7, Episode 14: Sweet Georgia Jayne
…in which we travel with Erika Jayne and her glam squad to Georgia to see her mother act in a play, witness Kyle get a lapdance from the Fat Jewish while women drink wine out of straws, and cringe while Lisa VP invites some–but not all–the women to China.
RHOBH 7, Episode 15: Hong Kong Fireworks
…in which we travel to Hong Kong on Lisa R’s sleeping pills for Lisa VP’s dog movie, the women wear bizarrely mismatched and inappropriate outfits, Eden unleashes her plan to Fly to New York and lie in a hotel bed naked in wait for a man she’s never met (calming the women’s murder fears with the assertion that she is just as likely to kill him), Lisa R and Eden are annoying on a mountain, and Dorit reopens Pantygate on a barge.
RHOBH 7, Episode 16: Big Buddha Brawl
…in which we continue on the barge ride to hell as Dorit continues to be a bitch and makes Erika Jayne cry (eliciting Lisa VP’s statement that “the ice queen is melting), the women climb a mountain in the rain while wearing heels, Erika Jayne explodes after Eileen makes a comment about her son, and Lisa R finds the perfect time to ask Dorit if she was doing coke at a dinner party.
RHOBH 7, Episode 17: From Dogs to Diamonds
…in which Erika Jayne stuns us with sunglasses, Eden buys Erika Jayne a “friendship ring”, the women head back to Beverly Hills, Erika Jayne acts like an adult and apologizes to Eileen, Kyle works on her show, Dorit and PK are terrible people, and all the women get ready for LIsa VP’s party.
RHOBH 7, Episode 18: Diamonds Under Pressure
…in which we view another season finale at a party, where Lisa VP manipulates Kim to engage Lisa R in an argument, Dorit goes on about more Pantygate bullshit, PK oozes into the group to tell Erika Jayne she is “inherently cold”, and Eden screams “I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU BITCH!” at Lisa R. THE END.
Now that you’re officially caught up, it’s time to plan your premiere theme parties, delegate outfits, and pressure your friends who are too busy watching HBO or whatever to join you in watching the best documentary series in history.
Thank you to Brian Moylen at Vulture for his amazing Real Housewives recaps (where I conducted last minute fact-checks), and Danielle Schneider and Casey Wilson of BitchSesh: A Real Housewives Podcast for forever inspiring me and reminding me I am not alone.
